Death
It has a whole new meaning to me today.
Lost a guy that i know from the gym at a tender age of only 19 due to heart attack.
And today, lost someone who changed the way I see the world when I was still learning to cope with adulthood.
Out of all the religious teachers that I can remember, nyayi Siti was one of a kind.
She was soft spoken, wise and understanding.
Her son, Saifuddin, who happens to be my senior back in secondary school is very lucky to have had her as his mother.
She led a simple life, does not count on anyone for a living, and she is a very hardworking single parent.
I admire her strength and her ability to survive and take care of her children upon her husband's demise.
She's a perfect example of an independent woman of our era.
At first, when my mom started going over to her place for classes, i was skeptical and lazy.
But as time pass, my mom kept on persuading me to go for her lessons.
I was amazed at the way she teaches her class.
It was very different from other classes let it be school or religious classes.
She explained in detail and examples that I would have never thought possible.
She made me wanna be a good muslim.
She made me wanna learn more and be a better person at the same time.
Advises that she gave me are some of the things that I couldn't ask my mom about.
She was that person that I could ask anything under the sun and she would give me an honest and direct answer.
But ever since NS began, I have been to her classes very rarely.
I always gave excuses to myself for not going whenever I am able to go.
Most of the times however my NS schedule doesn't allow me to attend the class.
I did hope to rejoin my mom at my nyayi's place for classes once I'm done with NS which is by this June.
But I suppose, that plan won't be happening at all.
From what I heard from my mom, at least nyayi was able to seek forgiveness from her students, friends, family members and those closest to her before she really got bedridden.
All it took was a bump on her head which started everything.
From the bump, she ended up vomiting and from there, a scan was done.
That's when the doctors realised that she had brain cancer.
It also explains why she has been having back problems since years ago.
Now that it has been discovered, I suppose only now that the pieces came together.
The last I saw nyayi was about 5 days ago.
I was surprise how skinny she has been and weak she was.
I was at a lost for words upon seeing her condition.
She was so weak.
She could barely smile.
Smile.
The easiest thing to do but yet, she couldn't do it because she was that weak.
I left the place with a heavy heart, hoping to see her again soon.
Doctors gave her 6 months without therapy but I suppose they got it wrong.
I received word of her passing after my ORD retest shoot which I failed again.
Upon reading my text message from my sister, seems like my day just got worse upon knowing of nyayi's passing.
I have never felt this sad, this angry ever since my late uncle Hashim passed away in 2007 I think.
The only thing that I'm relieved of is that my mom described her passing as an easy one, which I am thankful for.
A person of her status deserve an easy passing, without pain when the angel of death pulls her soul out of her body.
My dumbfuck mind sometimes asks questions that I don't have the answer to.
Questions relating to the after life.
I'm sure everyone has had this thought in their minds at least once before throughout their entire life.
The question of what is waiting for us in the next life.
It will be great if heaven was true, and that those devoted to Him would gain access to his gardens of tranquility.
But what IF there isn't?
What if after life, there's only complete darkness?
Wouldn't that scare the shit out of even the most bravest of us?
It sure does scare me..
But that's just a mid 20s foolish mindset.
I believe there is heaven and that we have to work hard and be discipline before we are able to gain access to the gates of heaven.
But that's up to fate to decide whether I deserve it, or not..
Or does fate even play apart at all?
I suppose we shall all find out when the angel of death finally visits you either with a smile, or with evil intent.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Its been months.
Its been years.
Have too much doubt and thoughts that I am unable to share with any living soul at this hour.
So I guess I'll type it down.
She's away trying to figure out her emotions.
I suppose this is just one of those uncertain phases that one has to go through when their partner wants a "timeout"..
Its emotionally draining.
4 years on.
And nothing's change.
I fear that I may be on the losing end on this one.
That my doubts might be true and that losing you is inevitable.
My dear, at times, your words just don't tally with your actions.
How many times have that happened?
How can I not have doubts?
I just wish that my heart could be more open to you and always give you the benefit of a doubt.
But at the same time, I blame myself for certain events that ruin us.
Like the saying goes, 'It takes two hands to clap'.
But then again, there's nothing more to be feared except an uncertain future ahead of us.
A future which might not go according to plan.
A future that does not seem to tally with our beliefs and our loyalties.
A future which may seem bleak to a certain few.
Yes, we may strive, we may work hard and we shall ask help from the divine to achieve such goals.
But in the end, it still lies on the hands of fate.
A future that I fear the most is to not be able to achieve my goals and aims in life.
Life's too short to be so focused on money.
One has to enjoy the simple things in life like spending time with the family, walking the dog, watching your favourite movie or if you're lucky enough, go venture out of your comfort zone and enjoy life and see new things that will definitely change your life.
I do not believe we are in this world to 'beautify' or bring progress to this world.
This world is already beautiful as it is before humans destroyed it and created cities upon its ruins.
Sure, human civilization has brought a lot of progress to this world but look at the news these days.
People are killing each other due to political, ethnic, religious and ideological differences.
Why can't we just co-exist with one another?
Even animals do not kill its own unless it was for its own survival.
Speaking about differences in those areas, I find it quite tiring to be kept on reminded by the leaders involved in those conflicts repeating the same old shit again.
Once force is used, there is no longer being on the right or wrong side of the faction.
It seems clear to me that both factions are intent on doing damage onto another without the thought of mercy.
What ever happened to tolerance that all the major religions have taught us?
From my understanding, all of the world's religion preaches their followers to love one another as if how they wished to be loved by others.
No religion preaches their followers to commit murder or to blow yourself up in the middle of a market where dozens of innocents are and killing them.
Those are no works of righteous but instead of the fanatics.
I've seen and heard more than enough of how the world is.
How politicians and leaders manipulate the people into supporting them in doing evil deeds for their own benefit.
I'm just so sick and tired of all this.
With God's permission, please give me the capability to live out my days in exile of all this atrocities that is occurring to this world.
I've had enough.
One man on a small island off Malaysia can't do shit to change anything.
Awareness is not enough.
From the looks of it, only divine intervention could stop all this atrocities.
If only He would grant his angels permission to clean off this world of such evil would it then be a true Utopian planet.
Until then, please let me be the ignorant fool when the time come for me to just shut the world out of my mind and just focus on whatever beautiful and peacefulness that is left on this world until my dying days.
That's the only wish and pray that I always wanted.
I know I was the fool
I've screwed things up beyond repair
I thought I was doing the right thing but instead it backfired
I'm the one to blame
Even though I still want you, I know deep down I can't have you
The only reason I'm still around is to have believe that you'd still be mine and mine alone
It breaks my heart to see you with him
"The men are demoralised and out of munition. But they still have faith in their hearts that they'll win the battle against their foes. Fixing their bayonets, they charge; the last stand. They'll fight till the last man standing. They will not surrender. But before the day was over, only a few survived waving a white flag over their heads; exhausted, beaten and faithless.."
I miss you love..
As of now, I'm holding on to you only by a thread..
I do not know for how long I can hold on but I'll try
That's all I can do..
I love you Angel.. :(
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I may not be smart, I may not be creative
I may not be handsome, I may be ugly
I may not be cool, I may be slacky
But whatever it is, my family still loves me and that's all the love that a person need in their entire life...
ok im done..
god bless..
Thursday, February 03, 2011
I could never forgive myself.
I was selfish, and I still am.
I hate this feeling of selfishness.
I hate myself for not have treated you the way I wanted to treat you now.
But its too late now.
You've made your stand and the least I could do is to respect your decision.
I realise saying sorry doesn't change a thing.
Actions speaks louder than words.
And to think that the gym would be close till next monday, holy crap.
I'm so frustrated in myself that at this moment, the only thing that can make me feel better is to either A, she giving me another chance, or B, go for training, do sparring and kick some ass.. or get my ass kicked..
The feeling of fighting, the adrenaline, really releases those frustration.
And with the gym closed till next Monday, is so not helping me at all.
So now, I gotta wait till next week and release the frustration only then.
For now, I gotta live through it day by day.
Every night, every day, I think about you.
Sure, my selfish side wants to let you go but when I think thoroughly, it would be my lost.
And I do not want to live any regrets when it comes to you, Angel.
Even when you don't see a future between us, I still do.
Even when you want us to just move on, I will try
Even when you told me you want to be just friends, I shall try.
Im doing all this because I want to respect your decision and at the same time try again to woe you.
I might fail, you might continue with your stand of just being friends.
But nonetheless, this is the least I can do to salvage what we had.
But at the same time, I am so scared that I'll make you cry again
Making you cry is never my intention since 2008.
I've always wanted to bring joy, not misery and heartache to your life.
Thus why, I'm gonna take my time, and figure it out on how to make you feel that I am worth it again for you.
But then again, am I even worth it for you?
Soalan bonus.
Who knows.
Whatever it is, I could never imagine my life without you when I'm old, and that's for sure.
I've got so many negative things to say but I won't.
I'll just be more frustrated and angry at myself.
Okay, im done.
God bless.
p.s. I miss your touch, your laughter, your smile.. everything about you, Angel.. =(
Saturday, December 11, 2010
What do you do when you're involved with someone for a couple of years and things just don't go your way anymore?
What do you do when you don't know which one's to choose from when you're in a dilemma?
And no, I'm not talking about a 3rd party involved.
As time passes, you realise you love em so much, but along the way, you just lose yourself..
You become to dependant on your partner that you realise you can't live without them..
I hate the feeling..
For years I was the guy who is independant and don't give a fuck about what you do because you don't matter in my life.
But once you've spend a couple of years together, slowly but surely, you grow fond of them and rely too much on your partner to a point of losing your own sense of identity..
Don't get me wrong, love..
You're like the only girl that I'll take a bus straight from school/work just to meet you when you ask me to; no matter how tired and exhausted I am..
You're the only girl that makes me want to travel the world see places of which I never had the intention to in the beginning..
You're the only girl that I teared for before going off on my one month escapade overseas..
You're the only girl that I brought home to meet my family, even if it was only once or twice throughout our journey together..
You're the only girl that did things for me that I never would have thought that girls would do..
You're the only one that my family talks about every now and then..
You're the only one that would pamper me like a small boy every now and then, and i'll admit it, i liked it..
You're like the only girl that annoys me so much that I feel like kissing you and hug you tightly..
But now that we're gonna be apart, I don't know what's gonna happen..
My main question would be, would there still gonna be "us" in the future?
All the talks about having a kid together and sending them to piano class or muay thai classes..
Would that ever happen?
Or is it just a dream that the both of us shared?
Whatever happens..
Know this love..
I hope you'll stay healthy and take care of your stomach..
When you cant bare the pain, close your eyes and talk to God..
Its been awhile since the both of us spoke to him and I think, its a good time for us to reach out to Him again..
I have never loved anyone else like how I loved you..
Be aware that if things just don't work out again between us, know this; I'll cherish every laughter, tears, kisses and hugs that we've shared together.. And the worse part, I know, one day, when I look back at this, I'll regret we go our separate ways..
I'll regret letting you go..
I miss you my dear..
I'll miss you my Angel..
And deep down, I still love you..
^.^v + ^_^v = ?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I've never had much confidence in myself, let it be in performance or in sports. As a kid, I grew up being teased alot by my peers about my size and maybe that's the reason why I'm always the goalkeeper when it comes to playing soccer (besides the fact that I was lazy to chase after the ball.. hahaha).
Even when I was in the school's soccer team in secondary school, I was the second choice. When I'm in secondary 4, joined the rugby team, and again, I was always on the bench playing only about 15 to 20 minutes left on the clock. Ever since then, I never thought of doing team sports anymore. Seems like my best wasnt good enough to be in the first team. Tried out capoeira when I started out Polytechnic. Fell in love with that art ever since I watched Only The Strong when I was a kid. It's such a beautiful and graceful art. But after 6 months, other than the fact that I didnt have enough cash to pay for both capoeira and muay thai, I opted for muay thai. I suppose, I'm just not build for those kind of flying around with kick's kinda martial art. Been sticking to muay thai ever since... =)
I had my first ever performance with my first ever band called Blackrose. We played One Last Breathe by Creed. It was awesome i suppose. Cant remember about that event vividly. The next official performance was when we played Helena by MCR and Clairvoyant Disease by A7x. That year, when we played, the mic went dead half way through our second song. I resorted to going infront of the crowd and singing the part out loud. After that, I found a new band. At first, there 2 guys and 2 girls. They were called All That's Left. We played A7x and Killswitch Engage. For our first jam, we were awesome. Then, we played on and on. Members changed. The only ones that left from that line up is me and the Rasul; my faggot drummer. In late 2006 if im not wrong, we got our first performance infront of an empty crowd.. How pathetic is that.. Ahwell.. but 4 years on, we're still strong. Minor and major bumps here and there. Members come and go. Hoping to complete an album before i serve the nation though.
After all that, I can safely say I'd rather accomplish things on my own and have confidence infront of a crowd. But when it comes to girls, damn, am i sucha doofus. I finally added a girl I was fancied a long time ago. I saw her when we went to the same prefect convention at YISS. First time i laid my eyes on her, I felt like seeing the most prettiest girl ever in my life. But I never thought much about it till when i was in RP. I realise that she was in the same school as me! Damn was i excited. But I know my limits. In school, she's a diver in the IG and plays touch rugby for RP. And me? I'm a nobody. Fuck. Done with school, either go to the gym or make my way down to FightG. Damn, what a lousy life I had in Poly life! fuck! urgh! Too late to make amends for myself now since I'm heading for Ipoh for my second semester. Damn it. Ahwell. A word of advice to any new RP students; LIVE A FUN AND HAPPY LIFE IN POLY! DONT BE LIKE ME!! HAHAHHAA..
Anyway, I finally made an effort to make a first move on getting to know her. Saw her during the so call school's "fire alarm" exercise. She was wearing a red singlet with jeans... Fucking hot as hell..
Told Adam about her.. Tried my luck, and true enough, she accepted my request. Now the tricky part is to just start a decent conversation with her. Damn..
Other than that, I really need to tone down my body. Urgh. I've been working hard for this body for years ever since 2003!! I'm sooo close to getting it but yet so far in getting the results. Fuck you spare tyres! Fuck youuuu!! *plays ERIS's Beauty Is Skin Deep Song*
I really hope to get it all by the time I fly off to Ipoh. To make sure Im on track, I've set Wanderlei Silva, The Axed Murderer's picture as my desktop picture. He will soooo inspire me to train hard..
For now, I'm done..
I wonder if anyone will read this though..
Ah well... FUCK YOUUUU *ERIS's song Beauty Is Skin Deep plays in the background*
I'm done..
God fucking bless...
